It’s a new year and a “new” me

I think I tripped and fell into this year and I’m still struggling to get up. It has been the weirdest transition for me. Normally, I am all about setting up goals for the coming year and am so excited to have a fresh start. But this year, I was not ready for it. I had no time to think about anything. I woke up and it was a new year.  Don’t get me wrong, I am still excited about it being a new year but frankly, I am still trying to process last year.

For me last year had many highlights, but it came with a lot of health issues and some major healing. It’s was probably the hardest year of my life but the year that has given me the most freedom. The hardest times produce some major growth, right? In a nut shell, taking soy, dairy, corn and gluten out of my diet made me feel better than I ever had in my entire life. My hands didn’t swell or ache, my feet didn’t cramp, my skin cleared up and wasn’t itchy. I could actually think clearly and had energy to make it through the day. I could tolerate the sound of my children’s voices and not have crazy outburst of anger. All of these are reasons for me to stay away from my food intolerance until my body heals. I would workout and sweat a bunch and feel amazing, so I also need to find out why my body was so stressed.  I couldn’t figure it out. Nothing in my life had changed and I felt like I had a good grasp on our day to day life. One of the major blessings of the year was that the kids were stable. I realized that that was “the problem”, like having stable kids should be a problem! It was like being in the eye of the storm,  I was inside the calm and could see the chaos around me.

In late October, one of my friends had a baby and he was in the PICU, I was actually able to visit him without feeling overwhelmed. I felt useful in the situation because I could understand what my friend was going through. Thankfully, he was healed and released quickly. But then it set in their baby was well and mine were not. Most likely they would not get better, but actually it was going to possibly get worse. It made me feel very lonely because I could relate to my friend but I had no one that could relate to me. It made me wish that I had not given away my copy of  Hearing Jesus Speaking into Your Sorrow. Shortly after these thoughts, by now it was November, I had a dream about Bentley not surviving his kidney transplant and what my life was like after him. I woke up very upset but didn’t know what to do with such a dream.  A few days after the dream, during a book study with some of the fabulous (I sincerely mean that) women in our church, we were talking about how Jesus wept for the injustice of sin and sickness. Then it dawned on me. I had never once cried about the kids diagnosis.  There was so much to do and get done that I didn’t think about processing it. I trusted God with the situation and so I felt that there was no reason to cry. Well, after 4 years of carrying all that internally my body was breaking. It couldn’t handle it anymore. Let’s just say I had to compose myself for the rest of that book study and lost it a couple days after. I cried on and off for a good week and then I felt like a brand new person. I literally felt 20 lbs lighter! I have never felt angry or questioned, anxious at times because of the waiting, but trusted that this is best for our family and that is God’s amazing grace on me.

Since this healing, I have had two dreams about Bentley having his transplants. One I am laying in the hospital bed with him reading and the other I was doing yoga in the room for him (funny, huh?) But I realize that these dreams, are so kind of God. I don’t see the dream when he doesn’t survive as a nightmare but rather as God coming along side of me and saying, “We can do this, it’s going to be okay.” And I believe that it’s true because no matter the outcome God is still God. He is good and he is loving. I cherish these dreams because they have seriously caused me not to be fearful of the transplants when they come.

So, with all that going on right before the bubonic plague the kids and I had at Thanksgiving, then hustle and bustle of Christmas, it is no wonder that I have not had time to focus on the new year. I am still recovering from the last one. I really have one goal for 2014 and it is to relish life. I want to enjoy every moment. I want more out of life; more fun, more memories, more living, more flossing, more crafting, more painting, more French studies, more friendships, more yoga, more reading, more love, more God. I cannot wait to see what this year has in store for us! As always, thanks for reading!!

xo, nikki :)

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A Couple of Funnies

Bentley got sick almost two weeks ago, and it had the trickle effect through the family. Bentley got well, but is now sick again. Which means we are all still sick! Though, it is not fun, we are thankful that we really haven’t had any sickness all winter until now. We almost made it!

So, needless to say, not much has been going on around here besides watching more movies and reading books. Since I don’t have more of an update, I figured I tell you some of the funny things that have been said this weekend!

Bentley: (praying in circles the first night he was really sick) Jesus, thank you for dying on the cross for our sins. Help me to obey, share and love. God help me to obey, and um to obey, share and love. Help me o-b-eee-yyyy….. and shaaarrrreee …. and loooovvvvee. Help me to obey. Amen.

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Bentley: (upon being told that we were going to watch Tangled) Uggg. I can only watch movies with guns in it!

(at dinner time, while the movie was still running) Umm. Are you going to pause it…. for Marseille. (sheepish grin)

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Marseille: (wearing her Snow White costume carrying a basket ball in Bentley’s knight helmet like a basket) Who wants an apple?

Me: I want a bite! (I take a bite and pretend to fall asleep. She has never seen Snow White)

Marseille: That’s adorable!

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Marseille: I love marshmallows, you can call me Marshmallow! (We’ve seen The Lorax, one too many times!)

There have been more, but I can’t remember them because I didn’t write them down right away. Hope you are staying well!

xo, nikki :)

BLAH

Well, I must say that this has been quite that winter for us. We are all doing much better, but still not 100% well. This stomach bug was a nasty bug, and I’m rejoicing in the fact that we should never get it again :) I cannot believe how cold it still is and we are one full week into March! Spring, where are you? We’ll be moving from sickness to allergy season, YES! At least it will be warmer and we’ll be planting our garden. That makes me excited!