Restless

(This was the first time I got to hold Bentley after his birth. Feb 19th –15 days after he was born.)

Yesterday, I received a phone call from a dear friend that has brought back a flood of memories. It has caused my mind to be restless and prayerful. Yesterday morning, a friend from church gave birth to a baby girl named Adah. Immediately they noticed she was struggling to breathe and called EMS.

Adah has a tear in her lung and the hospital they were at did not have the machines needed to repair this tear. They transported Adah to another hospital last night, to perform a very serious surgery in which the lungs are bypassed and oxygen is put directly into the lungs. Sound familiar? All too familiar. Though we did not have to transport Bentley to another hospital, and the extent of the tear in his lung were fixable through inserting tube to pull out the excess air being leaked out of the hole, it’s still close to home! Odd, providence, that we just celebrated Bentley’s 3rd birthday last Friday, and I was looking at all the pictures of him in the NICU remembering. Remembering the smells of the hospital, all the beeping, the large machinery, the nurses, the tubes, the doctors, the time. Now, just 4 days later, we have a family in our church going through the “same thing”.
I’m having to cool my jets, there are so many things that I want to say! So many things, that I am remembering. One of the things that came to my mind immediately was all the animosity towards those who chose to birth outside of a hospital. Every time I walked through the NICU doors I felt it. We were the gossip at the nurses station– it’s true, a year later at a OB appointment for Marseille they told me so. I questioned our choices by the comments and the looks on family members faces. These things were just as hard to endure as not having Bentley with me.
My heart is heavy for Jennifer. So many emotions and thoughts that I had when Bentley was born have become so much clearer now. I’m praying for all of them, for healing, but so much more for peace and grace. I know that all of them will come. God is so good. Even if Adah were to leave this earth and be with God, that is healing. As I continue to have a restless mind, I have a peace because He will take care of them so much more than my thoughts and words can.
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6 thoughts on “Restless”

  1. So true…if Adah leaves this earth, that is healing…very profound. How great that God can use you to minister to them in a way a lot of others can't due to your circumstances 3 years ago. May God grant your heart rest and peace!

  2. Nikki…I've been thinking about you during this as well. I'm sure you never thought you'd be able to share in your experience with another new mom, but God has seen fit to use your trial to help others…what an awesome, awesome thing…I just think that is really cool. Praying for baby Adah with you!"Meanwhile, we ought not to hesitate to trust his wisdom, even when he leaves us in the dark…on the one hand he is able to uphold us and make us more than conquerors in all our troubles and distresses, so on the other hand we must not be surprised if he calls us to follow in his steps, and TO LET OURSELVES BE PREPARED FOR THE SERVICE OF OTHERS by painful experiences, which are quite undeserved. "He knows the way he taketh" even if for the moment, we do not." -J.I. Packer

  3. Nikki, this post brought tears to my eyes…I have the same horrible NNICU memories but not quite as scary as you and jennifer. I also thought of you when I heard about baby Adah. I am praying for her as well..and you as you have painful memories and that you would be a great encouragement to her. Hoping in the fact that God works all thing for His glory and our good. Love you -Julie

  4. OH Nikki, Thank you soooo much!! You have such a sweet heart! It is such a HUGE blessing to me to be reminded of your story and to see Bentley now! God is sooo good! Your love and care for us is so evident and so much appreciated!Love you so much!

  5. We have an amazing God. He is using all of this for his great plan and his glory. You will be able to minister to her in ways that most of us cannot. Love you and praying for you and this wonderful family!Kelli

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